


my demons are begging me to open up my mouth

by httptheo



Series: i think there’s a flaw in my code [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Eating Disorder Recovery, M/M, Tsukishima Kei Has An Eating Disorder, Tsukishima Kei-centric, bokuakakurotsuki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:13:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25000708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/httptheo/pseuds/httptheo
Summary: He stares blankly at the scale as the doctor makes him step onto it. The number is higher than it was three weeks before. It’s better, the doctor tells him with his plastic smile. Kei wonders why he doesn’t feel any better.Or: Kei is getting help for his Eating Disorder, but it doesn’t always feel helpful.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Series: i think there’s a flaw in my code [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1639459
Comments: 19
Kudos: 503





	my demons are begging me to open up my mouth

** My Demons Are Begging Me To Open Up My Mouth **

_ He stares blankly at the scale as the doctor makes him step onto it. The number is higher than it was three weeks before. It’s better, the doctor tells him with his plastic smile. Kei wonders why he doesn’t feel any better. _

_ Or: Kei is getting help for his Eating Disorder, but it doesn’t always feel helpful. _

BAKT

* * *

‘ _I just want to be worth something._ ’ He’d told them. ‘ _I just want to be worth you_.’

It was easy to condense all of his feelings into those two points. Maybe it was because they were the two most common points in every issue. 

Eating Disorder: _I want to be worth something._

Depression: _I’m worthless._

Anxiety: _Everyone else knows I’m worthless too._

Kei finds the thought is a variable. It appears in various disorders in a remix of itself. It’s simple. It covers so many thoughts in so little words- but one of the things about recovery is having to _use_ more words. It terrifies him.

The clock ticks in the background, marking every second that he’s stuck in the dull white room. There’s paintings dotted around, he supposes it’s meant to feel welcoming. Instead he feels claustrophobic.

“How was your week, Tsukishima-san?”

“Fine.”

The woman clicks her pen. The clock ticks.

“How have your meals been?”

“Edible.”

She sighs, taking off her glasses and folding them. “This only works if you talk to me.” Her features twist in something; sympathy or pity, he can’t tell. “I know this is hard-“ the blonde rocks up at that moment, grateful as the hands of the clock hit the mark. That was it. The hour was up. He was free.

Tetsurou is outside waiting for him, leaning against his car with sunglasses and that ridiculous bedhead. 

Kei’s relief is all consuming, but it’s also tempered by something, a sense of shame. One of them always comes to pick him up even though the centre is nowhere near their jobs. 

Tetsurou grins at the sight of him.

“Hey there, Beautiful.” He flirts. “I’m not a photographer, but I can picture you and me together.”

“Your camera lens must be broken.” The blonde deadpans. 

“My heart isn’t, and it’s telling me that you and I,” he winks and throws up finger guns. “Are meant to be, Babydoll.”

Kei’s lips twitch slightly and it doesn’t go unnoticed. 

“Sorry, but I’m waiting for my boyfriend.”

Tetsurou lays a hand over his heart as if wounded. “Very well,” he says mournfully. “I suppose our love was doomed from the very beginning.” His hand flies to his head and Tetsurou leans back dramatically. “Oh how do I live through this rejection? How am I meant to love after this?” He cries loudly and Kei hits his arm trying to shut him up. Tetsurou simply grabs his hand, pressing his palm against his chest. “I suppose the only comfort is knowing you have a love already.” He simpers. “Tell me about him. Is he devilishly handsome? Full of wit? Burdened with glorious hair and an even more glorious di–“

Kei slaps a hand over his mouth. 

“Alas,” the blonde says, indulging him. “My boyfriend is none of those things.” Tetsurou licks his hand in protest. “He’s an idiot, with the worst hair you’ve even seen and an even worse di-“

Tetsurou bites him.

“What the hell, Tetsu?” Kei jerks back,rubbing his hand with a scowl. “Nekoma were cats. Not cannibals.” 

“How could you insult Little Tetsu like that?”

“Didn’t Keiji tell you to stop calling it that?”

“No. Keiji told me to stop calling it Little Tetsu the first, the most delicious, delightful, dangling, di-“

“God, please stop talking.” Kei says with a grimace. His boyfriend smiles goofily and kisses him.

The blonde leans into it, fingers curled loosely in Tetsurou’s shirt. The kiss is tender, not rushed or greedy. Kei feels himself soften with it. When they break away, he presses his head to Tetsurou’s shoulder. His boyfriend runs his fingers through his hair. 

“How was it?”

Kei tenses and makes a noncommittal noise. He can almost see Tetsurou’s frown but the other simply presses a kiss to his temple and guides him inside the car. 

He goes willingly and presses his head to the cool glass of the window as Tetsurou slides into the driver’s seat. 

“It’s okay to have bad days, Kei. It’ll get worse before it gets better.”

The blonde stays quiet.

—- 

Kei stares at the plate. It’s not a particularly large portion, but the sight of it makes that anxious feeling curl in his gut again and he’s reminded of that night with Kenma and the slice of cake. He focuses less on the chatter of his boyfriends and more on the individual foods. It’s all plucked from the meal plan of his nutritionist. His boyfriends try to put him at ease by eating similar meals to his. On some days it works. On some days it doesn’t. It isn’t hard to identify which day this one will be. He doesn’t realise the others have stopped talking until a hand covers his own. 

“Kei?” 

The blonde peels his gaze from the carrots and blinks at his boyfriend. Keiji looks back, storm eyes gentle. 

“Is everything okay?” 

Kei’s gaze drifts to Koutarou as the other speaks. He must have been staring at his plate for too long. 

“Everything is fine. I’m just not that hungry.” It’s an automatic response left over from the days before they’d found out. 

It’s the wrong response. 

Koutarou throws the others a sad and startled look and Tetsurou slowly sets down his cutlery. 

“Tsukki,” he says gently. “We know it’s hard, and we’re with you every step of the way... but you need to at least try something, Sweetheart.” 

“I’m not hungry.” The blonde replies, bristling. He shouldn’t be so defensive, but he’s so tired. He’s tired of the hours spent trapped in that white room. He’s tired of stepping onto the scale whilst the Doctor watches. He’s tired of the meal plans and being treated like glass. 

“Kei, please eat something?” Keiji says, squeezing his hand gently. Koutarou watches them with gold eyes from across the table. “You need to stick to your meal plans so you can get–“

“I’m not going to get better!” He snaps suddenly, chair squeaking on the hardwood floor as he rises. They watch him with various startled expressions. 

“Of course you will-“

“No! I won’t! Don’t you get it?” His laugh is bitter. “There is no getting better.” Kei steps away from the table, hands waving and fuelled by the exhausted anger he’s been battling for the past month and a half. “It doesn’t get better. These meal plans aren’t a magical cure. I’ll never be better. I’ll be in remission, every day of my life. _Every. Fucking. Day._ I’ll still be like this next month. Next year. Next decade. Maybe I’ll be off the meal plans and I’ll be able to eat a normal portion but there are still going to be days where I want to crawl out of my skin or feel like my chest is caving in because the scale went up.”

They stare at him wide eyed and his breath stutters in his chest. “There’s no better, there’s just this.” Kei says and suddenly he deflates, shoulders shaking. “There’s just me...” 

They aren’t quite sure what to say, Kei isn’t even sure what he wants to hear. Tetsurou had told him it was okay to have bad days but how many would he have to have? What happened if the bad days weren’t just bad days? What if they were weeks? _Months?_

A part of him wants to go back to restricting just so he won’t have to feel the aching disappointment of when he tries to stop but inevitably fails. 

Feet move closer and a hand moves to the back of his neck, fingers carding gently through the soft blonde curls there. “There’s us too,” Koutarou says gently.

“He’s right, Kei.” Tetsurou reaches for his hand. There’s the quiet clatter of Keiji tidying the table and he thinks about how he still hasn’t told them. If Keiji knew that he’d been apart of it- even the smallest part, it would hurt him. He wasn’t to be blamed entirely. Kei had fixated on him; part of him had of course been so desperately jealous of his size, but he’d also been projecting, looking for a simple scapegoat for thoughts he’d been trying to ignore. 

“You aren’t alone in this,” Tetsurou continues. Kei can’t bring himself to look up and stares resolutely at the ground. “There’s this, and there’s you but there’s always going to be us. We’re here to support you. Good days, bad days, everyday in between... we’re here. We aren’t going anywhere.” 

“We may not get everything you’re going through,” Keiji’s voice says gently a few feet away. “But we won’t let you go through it alone.”

“I know.” He says quietly. “I know.” He repeats loud enough for them all to hear. “I’m sorry. I just...” Kei trails off, struggle written plain across his features. They wait patiently for him to finish. “I’m tired of being like this.”

Koutarou leans against him. “I know, Baby.” He says gently. “Why don’t we go watch a movie?” 

Kei looks up finally, gaze flickering between his three boyfriends. “Aren’t you going to-“

“We won’t force you to eat.” Keiji says, knowing it would do more harm than good. Progress was only progress if there was understanding and patience. “We can all finish dinner later. For now let’s watch Jurassic Park.” 

Kei scowls instantly but moves willingly towards the living room. “Jurassic Park is-“

“Inaccurate.” Keiji finishes for him, watching them fondly. “We know.”

“But you love to watch the movies anyway.” Tetsurou says as Koutarou pulls the grumbling blonde through the doorway. The kitchen quiets and Keiji steps towards Tetsurou who easily pulls him into an embrace.

“Are we doing the right thing?” He asks quietly.

Tetsurou hums above him. “We’re doing the best we can, Love. That’s all we can do.”   
  


Keiji closes his eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Keiji kisses him briefly before sighing. “We should probably go before they-“

“TSUKKI STOLE THE BLUE BLANKET!”

“IT’S NOT STEALING IF IT’S MINE.”

The Ex-Setter presses his head to his boyfriend’s chest. 

“...Before they do that?”

Keiji pinches his side. “Before they do that.” He confirms tiredly. “Don’t they remember that it’s mine?” Tetsurou tenses and pulls away to stare down at him with furrowed brows.

“What are you talking about? It’s mine.”

Keiji balks. “It is not.” 

“Yes it is. I got it-“ Tetsurou is cut off by a shout from the next room.

“ _IT’S MINE!_ ”

* * *

> _ The clock ticks in the background as it always does. Kei looks at it and watches the hands move.  
>  _
> 
> _ “How has your week been Tsukishima-san?” She asks. It’s always the same question. The blonde draws in a breath, focusing on the feel of the air in his lungs before he exhales slowly. His gaze flicks to her. It’s clear that she’s expecting the answer he always gives. Her lips are turned down at the edges, brows furrowed ever so slightly. The ‘Fine.’ is on the tip of his tongue and for a moment he simply stares at her.   
>    
>  _
> 
> _ “Actually,” he begins and thinks about what Tetsurou had said. ‘It’ll get worse before it gets better.’ Kei wants it to get better. _
> 
> **_ So he closes his eyes and talks. _ **

**Author's Note:**

> The blue blanket is in fact Kenma’s.


End file.
